Tampa Bay Food Monster

…eating food since 1985.

Posts Tagged ‘wings’

Smokey Bones’ Smoked Prime Rib

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on December 6, 2012

steak is the best. it’s pretty much the best dinner ever. you get a steak dinner, and you feel like you’re tearing into an animal. there’s something primal about it. empowering. a steak dinner makes you feel like a king.

…but a prime rib dinner makes you feel like a god.

them smokey bones

i was given a so-very-kind invitation to come check out the new smoked prime rib dinner (¡¡¡LIMITED TIME ONLY!!!) at smokey bones. i have been to smokey bones before, long ago, and i recall it being a positive experience. “smokey” means smoked, and “bones” means meat, so one may infer that this is perhaps a barbecue type place. and, back when i visited the bones in my past, that would be a mostly accurate description. now, though…

inside the bone

oh. well according to this photograph, smokey bones is a rather low-key meeting place for the elderly, made entirely out of wood. but that’s not true! perhaps my photo skills are lacking. really, smokey bones has been completely remade in the image of the “kinda cool hip place”. it’s hard to describe exactly what it has become, partially because the restaurant now teeters between restaurant worlds. it’s kind of like a smokehouse meets an outback steakhouse. meets a late night club. there’s a huge bar. the lighting is low. lots of sexy cocktails. and some interesting placards, with information running the gamut between “servers are people too” and “hey boobs are pretty cool, right?” so yeah, a bit all over the place.

i do not dislike the makeover, but it is not the most comfortable. it can be summed up thusly: they played “we will rock you” by queen, and rather than play naturally through to the second part of the song, “we are the champions”, they played some sort of hard rock remix of “we will rock you”. the same song they had just played.

smoked wings

we began our meal with a nice appetizer, as recommended by the extremely kind and accommodating contact i had with smokey bones. i love wings. have i mentioned that before? big fan. i will start by saying that these wings are not traditional wings. they aren’t what you think of when you think of wings. instead, they are some of the most impressive non-traditional wings i have ever had. these bad boys are coated in rib rub and smoked, then fried, then coated in a DIFFERENT rub, then given a light sweet glaze. and they are incredible. super crisp outside, like fried chicken, with a delicious, steamy, tender smoked interior. perfect counterpoints to each other. salty and savory, and the glaze was spicy and sweet all at once. it was like eating ribs. tremendously good, and a must-buy for any visit to the bones.

smoked prime rib

and, of course, the smoked prime rib. prime rib – tender, juicy, melt-in-your mouth perfect beef. it is the most wonderful food i can imagine. dip it in au jus… what more could you ask for?

smokey bones’ smoked prime rib is a bit different, though. the rib is smoked in-restaurant for hours. the au jus is served on top, rather than on the side for dipping. and, to be quite honest, the whole thing is a disappointment. you would think that the ultimate in tender preparation would mix perfectly with the ultimate in tender meats. instead, you are left with a smokey monstrosity. one bite and you are overwhelmed with smokey flavor, masking the quiet, intrinsic beauty of the cut. the salt and pepper seasoning makes the edges just a bit too salty to enjoy properly. the au jus was a bit thick, almost more of a gravy than a juice. and, in spite of all conventional knowledge, the prime rib was not tender. it was not tough, but it was far more chewy than it should have been. the most enjoyable bites were those not dominated by the smokey flavor, found near the fatty portions of the rib. otherwise, this dish was sadly not worth ordering.

and i did not feel like a god. i just felt like a slightly disappointed man.

apple pecan crisp

the meal ended on an up note, however, with the apple pecan crumble. this delightful little dish was, again, recommended by my contact, and was superb. it’s basically what you get when you cross an apple cobbler with a pecan pie… which is just as amazing as it sounds. served super hot, with a lump of vanilla ice cream on top. the crisp crust played well against its hot sticky insides, melting the ice cream into a river of cool relief. a perfect dessert. the only thing i could ask for is more pecan goodness in a largely apple dominated dessert.

it was a good visit. the place has changed a lot, but it’s a kind of cool, hip change. the prime rib was a disappointment, but the dessert was great, and the wings warrant another visit all on their own. they also have a build-a-burger thing going on, with more options than you’ll ever need, which is probably worth checking out. and my friend got baby back ribs, which looked amazing. i’ll just have to realize my godhood elsewhere.

Smokey Bones Bar & Fire Grill on Urbanspoon


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EATS! American Grill

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on July 31, 2012


all the best stuff, packed into one place. that place? eats! american grill. it’s like uncle sam got stoned, wrote down all the food he craved, and passed out. then his sneaky nephew, america itself, went through his star spangled trousers, swiped the list and a wad of dough, and made a restaurant with it. this is that restaurant.

eats american grill

eats! resides on south dale mabry, waaayyy down there past the krystal burger and britton plaza. the basic idea is this: it’s a bar/grill type restaurant, featuring traditional american dishes from all across the country. i’m not talking hominy and grits, i’m talking american born ultra foods, like HAMBURGERS and CHILI CHEESE CONEYS. if you ever have any doubts that america is great, just grab a philly cheesesteak or some buffalo wings, and go to town on them as you think about all those lazy starving kids in their godless third world countries. that is what america is all about.

inside eats

i was invited to check out eats! by fellow food-eater tracy of my other city by the bay. she organized a whole nice little event, which supplied me with enough food to feed a small third world country. i had never been to eats! before, but was delighted to find that the restaurant itself matched the food theme, providing guests with booze and sports television in addition to the food. also, the kids corner *shudders*. it’s a nice enough atmosphere, reminiscent of a ruby tuesday’s. we were seated, and immediately given alcohol. SWEET SWEET NECTAR.

magic hat 9

magic hat #9 was my choice. specially brewed by harry potter himself, magic hat #9 is rumored to be distilled from dumbledore’s blood. crisp, a bit bitter, but generally light and mildly fruity. a good beer.

house chips

our drinks were accompanied by eats!’s in-house made potato chips, which were thick, crisp, and warm. they were served with their fancy homemade ranch dressing, whose secret recipe may or may not involve mexico. a really solid seasoned sauce.

jalapeno pepper jack slider

and the real food begins! we started with sliders, in the style of jalapeño pepper jack, and black and blue. the jalapeño pepper jack sliders were decent, but nothing special. the pepper jack and peppers and grilled onions didn’t play into it as strongly as i would hope, and there was no sauce, leaving the burger patty to fend for itself, which i don’t think really works for a slider. the meat was good, but you look for an assortment of exciting toppings in a slider. exciting toppings like you might find on:

black and blue slider

yes, the black and blue is the winner of the two. blue cheese, to me, is always a risk. i like it, but only in moderation, because i’m too much of a baby to handle it. but the ratio of blue cheese to juicy burger to bun to INCREDIBLE little red onions was perfect, making this a tiny lil’ puck of grilled goodness. vote YES on black and blue.

the wings

and there were wings! god i love wings. shown above, from left to right, are the cajun bbq, sweet thai, spicy chipotle, and garlic parmesan. they were all fried and super crispy, which i like, and all decent sized. the best was the cajun bbq, a sweet, sticky, spicy mess of awesome. solid barbecue sauce. not too spicy, but highly enjoyable nonetheless. the sweet thai were just that – sweet. like a honey sweet. not bad, but nothing amazing. the spicy chipotle were really not all that spicy at all, with a light afterburn to the glaze. and the garlic parmesan were a bit of a disappointment, reminding me of twinz’ traditional wings, mostly just naked, with a bit of garlic and parmesan flavor. i will have to try their buffalo, to get a real taste of that AMERICANA.

midwest blt

the light spiciness of the wings comes as a bit of a surprise, with the knowledge of eats!’s heat sauce, as featured on their midwest BLT. this little gem comes standard with bacon, lettuce, and fried green tomatoes, which is a cool twist, on toast, with spicy sauce and giant peppers skewered to them for a touch of in-your-face-attitude. AMERICA STYLE. however, the sandwiches we were given had the “heat sauce”, rather than their regular spicy sauce, which was like dropping a nuclear bomb six miles outside of the city – the residual radiation is enough to give your tongue cancer. it was so intensely spicy that i had two bites, and i could not finish the rest. and i am someone who enjoys spicy foods. now, had this been an eating contest, i could have finished it no problem, but this is not something you would want to eat casually.

still, points for a fun sandwich. just don’t ruin it with the heat.

philly cheesesteak

near the end, they threw a couple more sandwiches at us, including a philly cheesesteak. i had just recently lamented never having tried a cheesesteak with cheese whiz in my review of philly phlava, so i was surprised to see this sandwich indeed served with the whiz. unfortunately, i didn’t really get the philly vibe from this sandwich… the meat was just not right. maybe overcooked? it was a bit tough. i like the idea of the cheese whiz, and it was okay, but i’ll have to try it elsewhere because this didn’t meld together right. the bread was decent, though.

bin on weck

and there was the bin on weck, which is really a beef on weck, which my girlfriend drunkenly called “bin on wet”, which i amended to the funnier “bin on blech”. however, my feelings do not reflect her negative ones, nor the hilarious joke i made. the beef on weck sandwich is from new york, and traditionally consists of roast beef on a kümmelweck roll, served with au jus and horseradish sauce on the side. it is served here with the horseradish sauce directly on the sandwich. i don’t especially care for horseradish, but this sandwich all came together really well for me. i love au jus, and the horseradish was not too intense (much like the blue cheese, so maybe they just know how to portion properly). i think their french dip would probably be superior, with the addition of cheese and the subtraction of the horseradish altogether, but this is still good. my only complaint would be the intensity of the caraway fruits (strong anise-type taste), which kind of makes it gross. again, french dip is probably the way to go.

fried oreo chocolate martini

at the end, we were provided with the amazing fried oreo chocolate martini, a chocolate martini with a fried oreo stuck on top. amazing. it was great. with oreo crumbles around the rim (totally inspired), it was a sweet and creamy chocolate drink. like a yohoo! but with alcohol. and the fried oreo is so incredible. the drink is great, but definitely something you don’t want to order all the time. just every now and then, as a special treat. they also serve a fried oreo sundae, which is probably awesome.

SO. all in all, a great time, and a good restaurant. the concept really works for me, but the execution is a bit lacking. again, it comes into chili’s and tgi fridays territory because of the televisions and the bar. i don’t mind the bar, but a straight up focus on the foods and the areas they come from would probably be to their benefit. and some of the regional dishes were not up to par, which was disappointing. i want this to be the first place i think to go to when i want a philly, but i think maybe it’s impossible to maintain excellence among such a variety of dishes. HOWEVER, they do have this:

eats challenge

…which is exactly like the big belly burger challenge, which is the first thing i think of when i think the word “excellence”. so there’s that!

EATS! American Grill on Urbanspoon

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Philly Phlava

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on July 2, 2012


THE OTHER DAY, i was in the mood for something disgusting. you know how, every now and then, the mood will strike you to just devastate yourself, to abuse your body and show it who’s boss? that was what this was. to shake off all instinct for self preservation and do myself palpable harm, to rebel against this prison that is my body; to strike a victory for the monster against my very self. and that victory was to come in the form of a philly cheesesteak. mmmmm.

philly phlava

philly phlava is just the kind of place i am attracted to, a little hole in the wall serving a giant menu of greasy, delicious food. i’ve been past it so many times, and for some reason i’ve never stopped by. it’s located in carrollwood, at fletcher and dale mabry (by sam ash and the fresh market), situated next to a five guys. as you may have guessed by the name, they are attempting to bring the “phlava” of “philly” to “tampa”. which, you know, hurts your eyes to look at. then again, i have done my fair share of disrespecting the english language.

inside the phlava

so if you weren’t convinced by their name alone that these people are clinically obsessed with philadelphia, the inside of the place is covered in sports paraphernalia that i can only assume is philadelphia related (like the philadelphia lightning bolts, touted in flag form above the door in the photo). these guys are really into it. they serve crazy philly-type things, like HERR’S potato chips (first discovered on an episode of the office, and later reviewed by me), tastykakes, hank’s gourmet sodas, wawa coffee, and panzarotti (some kind of ungodly pizza crumpet). and, of course, they brought the power of philly cheesesteaks to tampa.

the place is not fancy, it is not especially nice. the people are friendly. but the food will perform sexual intercourse on your mouth hole.

philly cheesesteak

awww yeah. like i said, there’s a huge menu, including burgers, hot dogs, salads, wraps, and other assorted sandwiches, but let’s be for real – you’re here for the cheesesteak. i ordred mine with onions mushrooms and peppers, and that’s it. straight up. you have your choice of cheese (white american, provolone, mozzerella, or ye olde whiz), which i didn’t realize, and just ended up with white american. which is good, and probably would have been my choice, though i’ve always wanted to venture down the whiz path. next time.

the thing is a giant delicious meat bazooka (sexual subtext). it’s just… well i mean look at it! that’s what you’re getting. it’s greasy piles of savory beef bathed in a mild cheesy slime, polka dotted with onions peppers and some mushrooms, shoved into a warm pillowy bun straight from philadelphia. have you been to philadelphia? have you had a philly cheesesteak? that is exactly what this is. it’s like i stepped into philadelphia and pulled out a cheesesteak. i have had better in philly, but this is definitely on par with them.

bay fries

i got a side of bay fries, which are fries covered in old bay seasoning (apparently not unusual). they were solid french fries, nice and spicy, definitely worth the order, and they’re served in a delightful baggie, which made me feel like i was buying from a street vendor! terrific.


and, of course, i couldn’t pass up the wings. WINGS. wings. ahh. they come in medium, hot, and garlic variety, and were pretty much your standard wings. fried and crispy, i got the medium, which was an adequate sauce. get it if you’re in the mood, but don’t go out of your way to get them from here. they shouldn’t be your main course.

so yeah. it’s great. awesome sloppy cheesesteaks served exactly how you want them. other menu options if you’re a fool. i will be going back, and i will be dying of a heart attack at 36. these are things i’ve accepted. you should accept them, too.

Philly Phlava on Urbanspoon

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Twinz Big City Hotdogs

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on June 21, 2012

UPDATE: TWINZ is re-opening at a MUCH better location, on fletcher and dale mabry. check it out!

* * *

so every week we have a movie night. it’s a group of friends who all come together, go to the theater, see a shitty movie, and then grab some food and discuss why we still go and see all these shitty movies. normally we end up going out somewhere dumb after the movie ends, because our options are limited to whatever is open. but occasionally, we’ll go out to someplace interesting before the movie, so that we can have decent food unspoiled by the awful movie of the week. this week we decided to go ahead and check out someplace new to eat, and afterwards subject ourselves to two hours of painfully slow build up to a climax that at least one of us slept through.


we were to meet at someplace i’d never been before, twinz big city hotdogs on waters near the veterans expressway. i personally chose the place based on 1.) the fact that they have hot dogs and 2.) the fact that “twinz” was spelled with a z, which meant the owners were TOTALLY EXTREME. which i liked. my girlfriend and i got there first, about fifteen minutes early. we noticed that the place was completely empty, besides the employees. hmm. rather than going into the restaurant and being awkward, we instead decided to stay in the car and have pleasant conversation. while we sat out there, we kept getting looks from the employees inside. they wanted us. they wanted us bad. but we were waiting for friends!!! surely they could understand that! …they did not appear to. after another moment, one of owners came out and excitedly asked us if we were actually planning to come in. i told him we were waiting for friends. i was scared.

eventually, my friends arrived. i warned them all that the people inside… they were really looking forward to this. everyone understood. we all went in, and then we were treated to an entire presentation.

the presentation

he told us everything. EVERYTHING. everything we could want to know about their menu. he mentioned the many different types of hot dogs they serve, hailing from different cities around the country (“big” cities, if you will…), he mentioned the tampa dog, a creation of their very own, he mentioned their different flavored wings, he mentioned their “sweet pot” (which i initially assumed was marijuana, but soon discovered was sweet potato fries), and he spoke of their mighty “twinz bacon burger dog”, and warned us not to order it because it was too damn big. we were overwhelmed. and some of us were aroused.

they basically said we could do whatever the hell we wanted with the place as far as seating was concerned, so my friend and i went straight to work on constructing a giant square table from the smaller square tables they had in the restaurant, in order to intimidate other possible guests at the restaurant. and then we ordered.

it was difficult for me to decide what to get. at first i was torn between hamburgers and hot dogs, tempted by the owner’s ominous warning, but i decided the hot dogs were their main dish, so i went with that. but then what kind? they offer, amongst others, new york style, chili cheese, bacon cheddar, west virginia style(??), their signature tampa, and chicago. chicago. yeah. i had to do chicago. it’s simply the king of hot dogs, the most opulent and impressive. the god. hot god. and then of course i wanted some wings.

they were out of wings.

devastated as i was by this, i jumped on what i saw as an opportunity, and replaced my side order of wings with a side order of hamburger. awww yeah. but there is much food to discuss, and my order only represents a sliver of what was had. here. let me show you.

tampa dog and garlic parmesan fries

my friend ordered their signature tampa dog, along with their garlic fries. now, being a tampa food blog, you’d expect me to have ordered the tampa dog. i know, right? but i did not. and let me explain why, in one word: mayonnaise. yeah. there’s mayo on this hot dog. and that grossed me out. additionally, it also includes spicy brown mustard, bbq sauce, coleslaw, onions, BACON, and potato sticks. and it’s not a hot dog, it’s a sausage. so it does sound awesome… but i was too afraid of the mayo. and the potato sticks kinda weirded me out too. so no tampa dog for me (not this time).

i did, however, help myself to some of the garlic fries. and my god, they were amazing. everything here is made fresh, so all of the fries were perfectly crisp and warm. and then to top it off, they use real garlic. it was like eating garlic bread. except fryier. another friend ordered the garlic parmesan fries, which were even more amazing. the perfect balance of garlic and parmesan, fresh and delicious, and not too much of either flavor. there was never a point when i felt grossed out by garlic/parmesan nasty mouth. which is totally a thing.

sweet potato fries

my girlfriend and i split an order of the sweet potato fries, and even though they had previously been described to us, we had no idea what we were in for. this may have been the best side dish in a fast food setting that i’ve ever had. they are incredible. crisp sweet potato waffles, coated in a sweet honey cinnamon glaze. again, it was not overpowering to the point of being disgusting, which is just insane to me because i mean look at those guys!! it looks like it would be way too much to handle. but it was not.

baby bacon burger dog

now begins my order. part one was the baby twinz bacon burger dog, which, frustratingly, has no description on the menu (none of the items do, save the four special types of hot dogs listed on the bottom). what is it? some kind of mad hot dog/hamburger hybrid, an abomination unto the lord?!? no. no, the name is a bit misleading, in that it is entirely misleading. it has nothing to do with hot dogs. ): yeah. sorry kids. anyway, it is a badass one pound burger (i got half of that), with bacon, cheese, chipotle mayonnaise, and other toppings on an onion roll. you get your choice of cheese type, and i went with buffalo cheddar. oh yes. and it was pretty fucking delicious. i don’t know whether it was the cheese or the mayo, but something gave it a really nice kick. the toppings were excellent, as was the bun. and the meat was pretty damn good.

now, i’m not going to lie, the meat was not as good as burger monger’s, but it was definitely superior to most places you’ll find a burger around here. on the whole, the burger reminded me of something you’d get at a backyard barbecue, hand formed and with a delicious grilled flavor. i was impressed by it; they are better than five guys, which says a lot. oh, and they are cooked to order if you specify. which i didn’t realize.

chicago dog

and here she is: my beautiful chicago dog. to be quite honest, i did not expect much. every place i’ve had hot dogs from recently has been a huge disappointment (burger monger especially). but these guys got it right. 100%. not only did they hit all the marks technically speaking (mustard, tomatoes, pickles, wacky neon relish, onions, sport peppers, celery salt, on a poppy seed bun), but they did what you HAVE to do to have a good chicago dog – they got a chicago style hot dog. i mean the meat. the tube of meat that is the “dog” itself, is a chicago style dog. and it makes all the difference. outside of mel’s, you don’t get that here. but they even do mel’s one better: for each style of dog, they use the hot dog from that place. so the new york dog uses the classic sabrett brand hot dog. the coney dog uses a kosher beef frank. it’s attention to detail, and a passion to do justice, i’ve never seen anywhere else. this alone had me won over.

for the record, my hot dog itself was excellent. the toppings were top notch, and the meat was exactly what it should be. it’s that perfect blend of flavors unique to a chicago dog. mel’s chicago dog may be a bit better, but the variety offered here blows mel’s out of the water.

oh, and because no one ordered the onion rings, one of the employees brought some out on the house, because he insisted we had to try them.

onion rings

they, too, were above and beyond any expectation i might have had. they were completely unique; fluffy, soft, and pillowy on the inside, with a light, crisp exterior. i was reminded of donuts my mom used to fry for me, lighter than any donut you’d buy. there was a good batter to onion ratio, so i didn’t feel like all i was eating was onion. the flavor was similar to that of a hush puppy.

all in all, i was overwhelmed by this place. there is so much variety to the menu (even though it’s basically hamburgers and hot dogs), and every single item we had was delicious. by the end of my meal, i had completely forgotten i even wanted wings. they make just about everything themselves. they plan on expanding the menu to include vegan options. they have an entire breakfast menu. amazing. and i haven’t even touched on the customer service! they were beyond attentive. they joked with us, checked in on us, made everything to order, brought out free food (somebody got a free milk shake!!). and they deliver. it’s excruciatingly clear that these people care deeply about their food and their restaurant. true passion, that i’ve not seen anywhere else. the twins themselves come from new york, but they’ve lived in tampa since they were fourteen, and they care about the city as much as they do the food.

it was a great dining experience, and exactly my kind of place. highly recommended.

UPDATE: i returned to twinz! after they had closed down for a period of time, they’ve reopened, and upon my return visit, i was able to sample a whole bunch of awesome food items! including the wings. oh, yes.

tampa bay dog

i went ahead and got the tampa bay dog. i know, i know, mayo on a dog is gross. but you know what? it was actually really good. the coleslaw and mayonnaise were creamy and sweet, which played well against the savory sausage. the mustard and barbecue sauce all kind of blended into the coleslaw mess, but it was all a good combination. the bacon was a good touch, as were the onions, both providing a bit of crunch and flavor. the potato sticks… i just didn’t feel like they did anything here, but eh. good dog.

chili cheese fries

the chili cheese fries were delicious, forming into a giant mess i was unable to finish but loved every second of. i imagine this would mirror the chili cheese dog in flavor; if so, i would recommend the chili cheese dog.

traditional wings

and the wings. all the wings here are fried to a crispy perfection, which i enjoy. i began with the traditional wings. for some reason, i always equate “traditional” with buffalo, so i was a bit surprised to be greeted with these. but they were good, despite not fulfilling my initial fantasy. simply fried, they let the wings speak for themselves, which was a nice way to start. they also had a bit of garlic flavor, which was a nice touch.

georgia peach wings

georgia peach wings. so good. a sweet peach barbecue sauce, with actual grilled peaches on top. really, really good.

rob & rich wings

and the best of all, the rob & rich. holy crap these are good. spicy/sweet, making use of a hot sauce and the georgia peach sauce, then with blue cheese melted on top. it… it is genius. the strong blue cheese flavor is cut in the melting process, and everything melds together into the perfect balance of sweet and savory.

so their wings are awesome. all the food is awesome. go check them out.

Twinz Big City Hotdogs Burgers Fries & Shakes on Urbanspoon

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Trio’s gyro • pizza • burger

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on February 29, 2012

UPDATE: trio’s, sadly, has gone under. no more trio’s.

* * *

ah, the gyro • pizza • burger. did ever such a perfect beast exist? no. no! of course not. only in dreams. BUT. this place came close. because they INVENTED, for the first time ever, definitely, confirmed 100%, the pizza with gyro stuff on it. my god… what has science done?


the place is called trio’s. i mean, that’s what i’ll call it. technically, it’s “trio’s gyro • pizza • burger”. i think. though their “website” (aka facebook page and only online record of their existence) says it’s ”trio”- Pizza,Gyro,Burger –, which is probably not right. regardless of the name, they do have this guy:

so clearly their online presence is highly influential. i like to imagine this guy actually makes and delivers all the food himself. we’ll call him dr. trio.

one day, dr. trio came to my mailbox and dumped a flyer in there. and that flyer told me that they make “awesome pizza”. and “delicious gyros”. and “excellent burgers”. all in the same place! was this some sort of magic wonderland? because it sounds like it is. alas, it is not. it’s just a little hole in the wall located on south dale mabry. takeout. or delivery. no dine in.

so i called up dr. trio and placed an order. now, i wouldn’t say i’m a “glutton”, but what this ordered boiled down to was an entire large pizza for me. and an order of wings for me. all for me. and i got a sandwich for my girlfriend, because she has to eat too.

trios special pizza

okay, let’s not all get too excited. i know what we’re looking at here is nothing less than a culinary masterpiece, the proverbial food of the gods, breakfast of champions, but let’s take this calmly. so. i ordered the supreme pizza, and for once i feel like somebody has produced a pizza worthy of the title. it’s topped with onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, peppers, and garlic, and four of the manliest meats: pepperoni, meatballs, chicken gyro, and lamb gyro. fuck. usually a supreme gets you pepperoni, sausage (if you’re lucky), and then a smattering of shitty veggies. not here. the pizza is clearly covered in grease, which you can see gently pooling towards the center.

this pizza is a beast.

trios special toppings

the toppings are awesome. and i mean that in the douche baggiest way possible. imagine a frat guy watching his friend do a keg stand, puke, and then pass out. “awesome.” the quality of the meat is inconsequential (though it actually is quite good, especially the two gyro meats); the fact that this pizza combines them all together is what is so great. it’s like something a stoner would come up with, existing outside a sober plane of reality due to its being too ridiculous. the highly seasoned meats play strongly against the gooey cheese (which is also pretty damn good, straight up mozzarella), and the veggies are all well chosen to stand out for what they are (the onions obviously a strong presence and accent the meats well, mushrooms for their texture, tomatoes for being surprisingly fresh and almost healthy unlike everything else here).

it’s a great flavor combination, it’s unique, and it makes you want to be best friends with this pizza.

trios special upskirt

and the crust is nothing to scoff at. they claim to use new york water in their sauce and crust, in keeping with a long held belief that the piss of new york’s homeless gives new york pizza its vaguely magical properties. well it worked well here. the crust is delicious, pillowy and crisp on the edges, though the massive amount of grease tends to leak through toward the center, causing the tips of the slices to sog. sag. dey soggy. the sauce is good, nothing special, and mostly lost underneath the toppings and cheese.

charred chicken wings

their specialty wings are chargrilled, marinated wings. as with the pizza, these wings served to make me feel manly and full. they’re good sized wings, some dipping into the scary world of “mutated monster” wings, with bits of meat sprouting out of traditional wing meat territory. this is okay as long as you’re not trying to picture it as a living animal. the flavor is largely dominated by char, but not overwhelmingly so. the marinade they use plays well with their charred exterior, giving it a bit of a spice and a kick, but not running the show. these are not wings i would want to eat all the time, but every once in a while as a special treat.

meatball sub

the meatball sub, which i got to try, was also surprisingly satisfying. the meatballs are pretty decent, but their cheese, the sauce, and the bread all worked together to make this thing a solid sub.

this is not the kind of place you can get food from and expect to walk away without an increased risk for heart attack. when you go here, you are going to order something devastatingly unhealthy, you are going to eat it, you are going to love it, and then you are going to die five years early. it is not food you can eat too often. and it is not the best pizza or wings i’ve ever had. but if you are in the mood for something greasy and delicious, dr. trio is the man to see. he will make you into a man.

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