Tampa Bay Food Monster

…eating food since 1985.

Posts Tagged ‘disgusting’

White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on October 31, 2012

white chocolate candy corn m&ms bag

okay, so if you’re anything like me, you’re just now realizing through a storm of facebook posts that TODAY is, in fact, the hallowed eve. that is to say, halloween. and that means one of two things: 1.) a bunch of disgusting children are going to be trespassing on your property this evening, dressed like FOOLS, or 2.) you’re ready to join them on the streets, “just passing” as young enough to be out there (nobody believes this, they give you nothing). either way, you’re going to end up buying a whole bunch of candy and eating it yourself. and what better time to do that than the day after halloween, when all that sweet sweet candy goes on sale??

so allow me to tell you about one candy you might want to avoid.

white chocolate candy corn m&ms*note: candy corn added for comparison; not actually included in bag of m&ms.

those jerks at m&ms think they can just crap out anything, and we’ll buy it from them. well… they’re right. this season’s disgusting new variant on an original that does not need to be improved upon is the white chocolate candy corn m&m. alright, so we’ve got a lot going on here. first of all, they are yellow, orange, and white, just like real candy corn! they’re a bit larger than normal m&ms, around the size of the peanut variety, but retaining that signature m&m spheroid shape. i also noticed my bag’s m&ms were a bit slimy, but i cannot say whether that was just my bag, or if they all suffer from this gross affliction. eh. regardless, visually, they did it. i get it – candy corn. mission accomplished.

taste… taste is another story.

inside the white chocolate candy corn m&m

what you have here is a densely packed, super-sweet white chocolate interior. the “artificial and natural flavors” they’ve chosen provide absolutely no hint of candy corn flavor (which should be simple – just add honey!!). so essentially we have just white chocolate m&ms, which would be fine if they just weren’t so damn sweet!! bleh. combine with a shell that seems a little thicker than a typical m&m shell, and a greasy slime coating (again, could be just my bag), and we have ourselves a worthless product that becomes inedible after half a handful.

as a sweet bonus, some of the m&ms tasted vaguely of alcohol?? an odd fermented flavor. maybe it was just the rotten caramel apple i ate for lunch, but, if not, this was hugely unpleasant.

so, in the informed opinion of a self-admitted lover of real candy corn (i’m sorry if you can no longer trust my tastes), this candy sucks. it’s not the worst thing i’ve put in my mouth this halloween, but it ranks up there. if you made the mistake of picking these up, do your damnedest to unload them on unsuspecting children – those kids will eat anything.

Posted in Candy Reviews, Food, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Chicken McRib Flatbread Sandwich

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on October 24, 2011

remember that movie the perfect storm? there was this boat in the center of the ocean, and all of a sudden a hurricane, a tornado, a monsoon, a tsunami, an earthquake, and el niño all struck at once. everybody started puking and dying. yeah, that’s pretty much what this is here. get yo ass ready.

beauty and the beast BUT WHICH ONES THE BEAST

recently, i noticed that taco bell was featuring their delightful chicken flatbread sandwiches at the same time that mcdonald’s was featuring their heart attack-inducing love bombs known as the mcrib. what were the chances that these limited time masterpieces would coexist? and they both happen to be some of my favorite products from either fast food purveyor. and then i noticed their respective shapes.

like a poorly parented 17 year old putting together the puzzle for the first time, i realized that THIS THING NEEDED TO GO INSIDE THAT OTHER THING. hard. and i wanted that to happen in my mouth. too much for you? better turn back now; this is about to get a hell of a lot more sexual.

my creation

i decided to go with the bacon ranch chicken flatbread sandwich rather than the original, feeling that the ranch+barbecue sauce combo might be more favorable than the original’s spicy chipotle-type sauce. i went ahead and left the onions and pickles on, though i suspected the pickles may not play well. i just had faith that god was guiding me, and that what needed to happen would happen.

i invite you to enjoy the rib shaping of the pork patty. gaze upon its glory. there is a certain perfection in its absolute imperfection. it is a sign of where we’ve come as a society. is this the way things were most likely to turn out? the path of least resistance? for the sake of countless undiscovered extra-terrestrial civilizations, i hope so.

the chicken mcrib flatbread sandwich

success. two become one. and you know what? it wasn’t completely miserable. it was actually not too bad!! i mean, no, of course this isn’t something i am going to make again. making stops at two separate fast food places alone makes me feel disgusted with myself. and the flavors don’t really mesh entirely well with each other. that being said, it could have been much worse. the pickles were not great, but the barbecued pork flavor played surprisingly well with the cheese. the ranch was a nice touch, kind of understated, and the chicken was unfortunately all but lost behind the pork flavor. but the best part was the flatbread. the warm piece of bread cradled the rib-shaped patty like it was designed to do so. i’ve never felt so intimate with the mcrib. i’ll be honest – i was physically aroused.

i really owe a debt of gratitude to dude foods. this guy lives the dream every day of his life by combining awful things to make awfuller things, and just generally having a terrible diet. as far as i’m concerned, he single-handedly pioneered the art of food frankensteinery. i live in the shadow of a giant.

anyway, life is short. eat gross things and have fun.

Posted in Fast Food, Food, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Tampa Food Challenge 2: Big Belly Burger Challenge

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on March 21, 2011

my friend corey and i foolishly take on the big belly burger challenge at big belly burgers. this consists of one pound of beef, one pound of toppings, and one pound of fries. that’s THREE POUNDS OF FOOD.

watch us struggle.

my review of big belly burgers can be read here.

thanks goes out to scott lindsey for helping make this possible.

Vodpod videos no longer available. 

Big Belly Burgers on Urbanspoon

Posted in Food, Food Challenges, Humor, Tampa Restaurants | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Checkers Unbelievaburgers (PHASE II)

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on January 19, 2011

so i decided to stop by my local, shitty checkers burger the other day to give their brand new (return of the) UNBELIEVABURGERS a try. i figured why not? i’ve got nothing left to live for. and for a buck a piece, this is a great and affordable way to end it all! so i strapped into my (friend’s) car, and went down to the dreaded dade city.

now, as a rule, i try to keep out of dade city as much as i can. it’s a deadly, backward area, and as far as i know, the inevitable zombie apocalypse is foretold to begin there. but when the hunger for a great deal strikes, well… you gotta eat™.

i ordered up two different unbelievaburgers: the smokey bacon unbelievaburger, and the mushroom swiss unbelievaburgers. and the total was $3 wtf? i most definitely recalled the advertisements they drilled into my head telling me that it was supposed to be just a buck. IT’S FOR THOSE WHO DON’T STOP UNTIL THEY GO OVER THE TOP. FEAST ON!!! so what was going on?

well, i guess it was just at participating locations only. and dade city was not participating. un-fucking-believaburgerable.

smokey bacon unbelievaburger

the smokey bacon unbelievaburger was actually pretty good in flavor. ordinary burger patty, chopped bacon, slimy and delicious grilled onions (the best part), and a swiss-type cheese (not much flavor there). there was a sauce of some sort on it, but i can’t for the life of me remember how it might have tasted by itself. really, everything seemed to meld together into one taste, which was pretty good. maybe not smokey, but definitely savory, and a bit sweet. nice.

mushroom and swiss unbelievaburger

and then there’s the mushroom swiss. this bad-boy tastes like ass. just how i like my mushroom swiss. i’ve been a huge fan of mushroom and swiss combination burgers. i worked at steak ‘n shake for quite some time, and back then they had a regular mushroom and swiss burger, and it was one of my favorite items there. throw some A1 sauce on there, and you’ve got an orgasm in your mouth. and possibly pants.

but this monstrosity. this… this thing. it was awful. there were hardly any mushrooms on it, and the mushrooms that were there were completely overpowered by the “mushroom gravy” it was smothered in, which tasted like it came out of a can. or a butt. and the mild swiss cheese they used on it, the same cheese that passively slipped into the combined flavor of the smokey bacon unbelievaburger, did not play at all well here, as a mushroom and swiss’ swiss cheese should be a pronounced flavor, standing on its own feet. this burger just tasted like gravy. bad gravy.

the worst part of all is that these burgers were small. the two i had did not fill me up. in fact, i bought two more burgers as i was leaving, just their regular single patty burgers, and the bag was noticeably heavier. and it was cheaper! less money for more burger. i guess what you’re supposed to be paying for here is the flavor, but it was not worth it. maybe it would have been if they had been charging the advertised one dollar per burger, but they were not. and that extra fifty cents each will HAUNT MY DREAMS FOR ALL ETERNITY. i do not exaggerate.

this is the end.

Checkers on Urbanspoon

Posted in Fast Food, Food, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Little Caesars HOT-N-READY® Pizza

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on November 30, 2010

while i get my vacation on in LA, here’s something to tide you over. this is a review i wrote in early 2007, on a personal blog (or as we called them back in those days, online journal). it is pretty much better than anything i’ve written since i started this blog. ENJOY!

ah another day, another crisis.

TODAY’S CRISIS:

yes. pizza pizza. well, as it turns out, hot ‘n’ ready is not quite the deal i thought it would be. in fact, you would be better off eating the five dollar bill you would be spending on the pizza instead of buying this shit. it tasted like cardboard, was only warm-ish, and looked like something you might vomit after swallowing cheese and a handful of razorblades.

which is, of course, disappointing to me. i am a pizza guy. not that i ever expect much from a chain restaurant, but little caesars… we had something going! a relationship. back in middle school, the ala carte line offered up slices of little caesars pizza every day, and this pizza helped me through the hard times. it offered a glimpse of what lay beyond the terrible brick walls of that bully-infested land known as weightman. tewms.

and since then, i know that little caesars has not been doing all that well. you’re hard pressed to find any (although i do know the locations ‘closest to home’ in both tampa and orlando, but they aren’t everywhere like pizza hut or even domino’s). but you know what? i kinda hoped that these last remaining outlets of the great caesar’s would hold something for me. that perhaps they would allow me transport back to the days of old.

but no. just crappy pizza. and disappointment. so i say no more caesar! no more wasted five dollar bills!

bah!

Posted in Chain Restaurants, Food, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »