Tampa Bay Food Monster

…eating food since 1985.

Posts Tagged ‘candy’

White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on October 31, 2012

white chocolate candy corn m&ms bag

okay, so if you’re anything like me, you’re just now realizing through a storm of facebook posts that TODAY is, in fact, the hallowed eve. that is to say, halloween. and that means one of two things: 1.) a bunch of disgusting children are going to be trespassing on your property this evening, dressed like FOOLS, or 2.) you’re ready to join them on the streets, “just passing” as young enough to be out there (nobody believes this, they give you nothing). either way, you’re going to end up buying a whole bunch of candy and eating it yourself. and what better time to do that than the day after halloween, when all that sweet sweet candy goes on sale??

so allow me to tell you about one candy you might want to avoid.

white chocolate candy corn m&ms*note: candy corn added for comparison; not actually included in bag of m&ms.

those jerks at m&ms think they can just crap out anything, and we’ll buy it from them. well… they’re right. this season’s disgusting new variant on an original that does not need to be improved upon is the white chocolate candy corn m&m. alright, so we’ve got a lot going on here. first of all, they are yellow, orange, and white, just like real candy corn! they’re a bit larger than normal m&ms, around the size of the peanut variety, but retaining that signature m&m spheroid shape. i also noticed my bag’s m&ms were a bit slimy, but i cannot say whether that was just my bag, or if they all suffer from this gross affliction. eh. regardless, visually, they did it. i get it – candy corn. mission accomplished.

taste… taste is another story.

inside the white chocolate candy corn m&m

what you have here is a densely packed, super-sweet white chocolate interior. the “artificial and natural flavors” they’ve chosen provide absolutely no hint of candy corn flavor (which should be simple – just add honey!!). so essentially we have just white chocolate m&ms, which would be fine if they just weren’t so damn sweet!! bleh. combine with a shell that seems a little thicker than a typical m&m shell, and a greasy slime coating (again, could be just my bag), and we have ourselves a worthless product that becomes inedible after half a handful.

as a sweet bonus, some of the m&ms tasted vaguely of alcohol?? an odd fermented flavor. maybe it was just the rotten caramel apple i ate for lunch, but, if not, this was hugely unpleasant.

so, in the informed opinion of a self-admitted lover of real candy corn (i’m sorry if you can no longer trust my tastes), this candy sucks. it’s not the worst thing i’ve put in my mouth this halloween, but it ranks up there. if you made the mistake of picking these up, do your damnedest to unload them on unsuspecting children – those kids will eat anything.

Posted in Candy Reviews, Food, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Sour Patch Kids Berries

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on July 13, 2012

when i was young, we would go on vacation to my grandmother’s house in chautauqua, which means “place of easy death” (it seriously does… which answers a lot of childhood questions). in the nearby town of BUSTI, there was a small little candy shoppe with gigantic candy canes as columns. that place was called peterson’s corn crib candies.

IT WAS A MAGICAL PLACE. it was a magical time. nothing is better than a candy shop when you’re a kid (except toys r us), especially one that you had to drive out of your way to get to. we would all get in the van and truck on over there, then spend hours trying to figure out what it was that we were all going to get in our individual little boxes. they sold all sorts of candy, the majority of which they actually made themselves. a lot of chocolate, in various different forms. they had incredible little blocks of chocolate sandwiched peanut butter, and their chocolate covered jellies were the best. but somehow, my idiot child brain couldn’t get past the widely available sour patch kids.

the original sour patch kids, despite depriving me of precious box space, were and still are one of my favorite candies. they have seen countless variations, including watermelon, blue raspberry, peach, cherry, and about a million X-TREME versions, but nothing matched up to the original four flavors (lime, lemon, orange, and something they apparently call redberry). nothing, until NOW:

sour patch baggie

oh fuck. it’s berry flavored sour patch kids. alright, so apparently they’ve been around for like a year or so, but i only just found them recently. and when i did, i literally achieved sexual orgasm. and by literally, i mean figuratively, but i think they’re like synonyms now or something. FOUR NEW SOUR PATCH FLAVORS! amazing. and they’re not in stupid shapes, like the watermelons or sour patch extremes… they’re regular kid shapes. it’s as if the power rangers encountered a whole new group of rangers, with DIFFERENT COOL COLORS. and DIFFERENT COOL DINOSAURS. the dinosaurs equate to the flavors, and the colors equate to the colors.

sour patch berry kids

so what have we got here? a nice, dark red, pink, purple, and… my god. blue. blue fucking sour patch kid. it’s the holy grail of the sour patch!!! my child self would have killed himself with excitement (and mild childhood depression). the blue is blue raspberry, red is cherry, purple is grape, and pink is pink lemonade. the pink lemonade, i think, is the only flavor that hasn’t appeared elsewhere in sour patch history before. they are all quite good! the grape is a little more reserved, warmer than a lot of grape candies. pink lemonade is lightly citric, a bit fruity and sweet. the cherry is a nice, powerful candy cherry flavor. and the blue raspberry is bright and tart, kind of dying out into sweet in the end. they are just as sour as the regular kids, and retain the same chewiness as well.

it will not (cannot) replace the original four flavors. they will always stand tall as the first and the best. but these kids are a perfect accompaniment to the originals. i could see switching off and alternating between original and berry with every purchase. they are totally solid, and hopefully here to stay. try them out, and let your inner child rejoice.

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Angry Birds Fruit Gummies

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on June 25, 2012

i think it goes without saying, but angry birds is, without a doubt, the single greatest video game ever developed. i mean, come on! the characters! the story! the diversity in gameplay! and they’re just so darn cute! yes, angry birds is truly the gamer’s game. and in response to the public’s ravenous consumption of all things angry and bird-like, a phenomenon known as birdmania or bird-man fever, angry birds creator Healthy Food Brands has given an unholy birth to angry bird fruit gummies.

angry birds gummies

all your favorite angry birds are there! blinky, pinky, inky, clyde, and even the ‘angry bird’ himself, geoffrey! now i can nurse my hopeless addiction to a cell phone video game AND eat shitty gummy candies at the same time! not to mention help fund rovio, creators of such fantastic games as angry birds, angry birds seasons, and angry birds rio!! AWESOME! but how do they taste??

they suck. yeah, these gummies are pretty awful. the first thing you’ll notice, and the only thing you’ll find yourself thinking about, is that they are tough. tough like old bubble gum. as tough as i’d imagine those rubber cement pancakes were that donald duck made in that one cartoon from my childhood. tough gummies. you can eat them, but you are going to hurt your jaw, and you are not going to enjoy yourself. the flavors are bland. more than one of them reminded me of jell-o or kool-aid, maybe fun-dip. something hyphenated. these are nothing special. in fact, they are something to avoid. they are overpriced because of their association with some shitty phone game, and they are manufactured by a company more concerned with keeping their food healthy and gluten free than making it delicious. stupid.

forget the gummies. spend your time and money on the dumb games. or just play it for free here. (that’s much better than doing whatever shitty work you’re supposed to be doing for your job.)

Posted in Candy Reviews, Food, Humor | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Mint Creams and S’mashing S’mores

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on December 8, 2010

while i was in california, i noticed an abundance of stores called “trader joe’s“. we do not have any of these stores around here, but i had heard of them from The Best Candy Blog on the Intarwebz™, Candy Blog. candy blog has reviewed countless millions (well, i’m sure one could count, but i’m not going to) of candy products produced by trader joe’s, and with each new review, i have gotten more and more pissed that i don’t have access to these candies. so i jumped at the chance to sample their goods.

trader joe’s is basically a super-yuppie, hipster, green, organic, fight-the-man-or-at-least-look-cool-thinking-you-are type grocery store. kinda like whole foods or fresh market. i felt a little douchey being there, but i also felt like i was hot shit. and maybe i was, just for that day. maybe i was.

anyway, they make a good deal of their own products, which is pretty awesome, and a lot of the cool stuff they make is candy. chocolates, specifically. they have a whole bunch of different types of chocolate covered crap, chocolate infused shit, and edible chocolate feces. it was exciting walking down their “some chocolate stuff” aisle, and trying to decide just what i would try. after all, this is likely to be the last time for a long time i get anything from trader joe’s (their business model supports child slavery*, and i can only fund that so much before i start to feel awful about myself). so i just grabbed a couple items i thought sounded tasty, purchased them from an overly-chatty cashier, and headed out.

trader joe candies

behold! my treasures. this is what i ended up getting: dark chocolate covered mint creams, and “s’mashing s’mores”. so exciting! i got in the car and immediately tried them (no cell phones allowed while driving in california, but i’ll be damned if they take away my right to eat rather than pay attention to the road!).

dark chocolate mint creams

the dark chocolate mints were up first. the chocolate itself was quite nice; a little more rich than the standard dark chocolate you might get from lesser companies who don’t care about you, and thick enough around the insides that it was not just a shell, but a big part of of the candy experience. the mint inside was good, but not quite what i was hoping for. honestly, based on the size alone, i was expecting something almost liquid, along the lines of a junior mint (really, like “cream” might imply). instead, as you can see, the insides were more like what you’d get inside a york peppermint patty. it had a solid mint flavor, but was nothing too spectacular. honestly, i prefer the generic taste you get with either the york or the junior mints, but that’s probably because i’m so used to them. these weren’t bad, but i probably wouldn’t buy them again (instead picking up something else covered in chocolate).

s'mashing s'mores

but these… the s’mashing s’mores… my god. after my first bite of these, i pulled the car off the side of the busy freeway (causing a traffic jam within the traffic jam i was already in) and just wept. i wept, for in that moment i knew there was a god, and his name was joe. these chocolates were magnificent! the perfect amount of marshmallow to graham cracker to chocolate ratio. it was like biting into a s’more nostalgia bomb. the marshmallow was perfect, and i love marshmallow. it was fluffy and light, with a bit of pull. the graham cracker was everything it needed to be without being overpowering. not the greatest graham cracker i’ve ever had, but it did what it was supposed to. the chocolate was decadent. trader joe’s knows chocolate. it was like something you’d find at an independent chocolatier. i’m surprised that i’ve never had anything quite like this before… it seems like a simple enough idea. anyway, if i ever had it from some other source, i doubt it would measure up. this was perfect.

as an added bonus, the packaging recommends “for a traditional s’more treat, place s’mores in microwave for 4 to 6 seconds.” this seemed stupid to me, guessing the chocolate would get all melty and ruin everything, but i decided to try it out anyway, and i was delighted to find that not only was it not long enough for the chocolate to start to melt at all, but it was the perfect amount of time for the marshmallow to get all excited and puffy. in fact, it had started to escape out a small hole in the chocolate, like a little balloon blowing its way out of a box. the marshmallow was just warm enough that as i ate it, the chocolate started to melt in my mouth. it was seriously like eating a s’more. i would have done it more if i hadn’t already eaten the rest of the little treats.

you can’t order trader joe’s products online, you have to go directly to their stores, so this is a rare treat. but if you find yourself near one, stop by and pick up these s’more things. they are almost worth the trip to athens, georgia.

*trader joe’s does not support child slavery in any way. that i know of…

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Kazoozles Pink Lemonade

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on November 22, 2010

kazoozle pink lemonade package

as i had mentioned before, i quite enjoy wonka’s kazoozles. stupid name, crazy candy. unique. well, in addition to their standard “cherry punch” flavored ropes, they have a pink lemonade flavor. being such a big fan of the original, i had high expectations for this modified version. and honestly, i can’t really complain.

kazoozle pink lemonade

the pink lemonade style kazoozles are a completely different beast from their “normal” counterparts, which is pretty awesome. instead of just throwing a couple different flavors into the same machine process, they gave the pink lemonade kazoozles a light sugary coating, and “rib” the ropes for your pleasure. in addition, the licorice outer “rope” part is a bit less starchy, and a bit more chewy (so it seems). it results in an entirely different candy experience. the flavors you get are a somewhat bland but sweet exterior, overpowered by the tart yet sweet inside. there is a nice lemony finish, but nothing too strong. i don’t believe the sugar coating contributes at all to the sourness here; that’s all provided by the creamy center.

all in all, it’s a pretty good candy. it certainly holds its own against the original, even without the textural additions. i definitely prefer the original for its flavor (i don’t care much for lemon flavors), but i appreciate the sour alternative, and buy it on occasion mostly for the ribbing. it’s a completely different sensation.

rowr.

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