Tampa Bay Food Monster

…eating food since 1985.

how to end your life in an hour or less

Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on June 16, 2010

while watching a marathon of MAN VS FOOD, my friend and i got totally pumped and started talking about doing our own food challenges in florida. so i went on the intarbutts and looked up a few challenges within driving distance.

THIS website features a whole bunch of sweet sweet challenges, and we narrowed it down to a few.

#3. the Quickie Titan Burger from Quickie’s Burgers and Wings

this bad boy is a fucking behemoth. four god damned pounds of insanity. with scads of bacon and fried onion dealies. fries RIGHT ON THE FUCKING BURGER. and a slathering of quickie’s “special sauce”. you get sixty minutes. the prize? you literally ascend to the heavens and take your rightful place among the gods. according to legend, no one has ever bested this beast. could we be the ones to take down this bad boy? yeah, i don’t think so. this is the least likely. NEXT!

#2. THE BEAST from Bokamper’s Sports Bar and Grill

holy freakin’ shit. this is bokamper’s “fuck you” to your arteries. this son of a bitch is a three pound burger, with eight delicious slices of bacon, four “slabs” of cheese, topped off with four fucking fried eggs. OH AND A POUND OF MOTHER FUCKING FRIES. you will truly die from eating this. you have one hour. the prize? free ride home in a body bag. and your name in bronze. another majestic beauty out of reach for any ordinary human. that only leaves:

#1. Eddie’s Monsta Burger from Eddies’s Bar and Grill

all right you dirty son of a bitch… it looks like this photo ain’t that good. regardless of the shitty photography, this REVOLTING LUMP OF SHIT is made out of three pounds of pure shit-your-pants beef, “fixins”, and SOME SORT OF BUN. throw in a pound of CHRIST LOVING FRENCH FRIES and you’ve got yourself a meal. do it in thirty minutes, and you are the champion, my friend. the prize? “i took 15 years off my life and all i got was this lousy t-shirt!” aaaand i think this is way out of my league.

but they have a dinky hot wing challenge! maybe that’s doable.


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